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Houston Daily News
March 9th, 1992
March 9th, 1992
Town Council
After some deliberation, the town council has decided to leave their citizens helpless, undefended, victimized, and assaulted in their very homes. The very angry populace have been parading through the streets as they protest the decision of the town council. At the writing of this paper, no councilmen have yet commented on either the protest or their decision. In fact, not one of those scoundrels has yet shown their face.
After a short deliberation, the town mob has decided on a stakeout at the mayor’s residence until the decision is reversed by the town council. As month after month rolls by of constant assaults by Noodle Man, the town is getting disgusted, and not a few of Houston’s highly respected citizens have found another place to live; far from this place of horror.
As this publication hit the streets, Fred was slowly sneaking through town, carefully looking for any sign of the Bain of Houston. But nowhere did Fred see a trace of Noodle Man. No Noodle Man, but noodles? Yes, all in various stages of decay. This decay was assisted to some extent by the new population that was quickly establishing itself in Houston. What the citizens found unattractive, the crows found extremely appetizing.
Despite Fred’s lack of success, he still valiantly continued his search for the one who was making his life miserable from dawn to dusk. Yes, he was ready to find the thing who was responsible for his eternal suffering. Who would have ever guessed that the sight of noodles would send a man into hysterics, but our records indicate Fred at this point in his life was suffering from a mid-life crisis. Yes, Fred was in the depths of despair to the great delight of the furtive figure watching Fred from the shadows of a nearby house. Yes, the shadow was exuberantly excited over his extreme success as he watched Fred’s slow sneak turn into a stumbling stagger. Yes, analysts at this later date believe that Fred was well on the way to becoming crazy. Lulu. Insane. Kookie.
The Shadow slowly moved across the street, and as it did, it revealed itself. Here is what an observant person would have seen. First off, he would’ve seen a white cape, which, upon closer inspection, would have been recognized as a well loved cape of Ramen noodles. Under that dreadful cape slunk a man, entirely unrecognizable. In one hand, he carried a bag that was spilling noodles from a jagged hole near the bottom. Tucked underneath his other arm, he had a brown paper package containing several knobby and crunchy objects.
Fred turned around. He had heard something. The mysterious shadow slid into a doorway. Fred's dim eyes followed the trail of noodles. A whole pile was building up where the shadow was. Fred reached in his pocket for the only thing he had handy. A screwdriver. Jumping desperately on the man in the Ramen Cape, Fred belted three good ones across the Noodle Doodler's hand. A feeling of victory came over him. A renewed vision Yes, Fred Dunderson was on his way to being crazy. But he WASN'T THERE YET!!! Unfortunately, Fred's slow realization of this fact allowed Ramen Man to escape once again. As he did so, Fred caught sight of three distinctive welts on the man's. They were in the shape of a single star. "Well," he thought to himself, "That makes it easy. All I have to do now is find a man with a red star on his hand and a black eye.
Inspector Bond leaned back in his office chair. A smile flitted its way across his face as he stared out the window through his sunglasses. The smile faded as he saw Fred Dunderson walk in the door. "It's you again. Now what Freddie old boy? Got the water from the fountain of youth or something?"
The Inspector exaggerated his yawn. Fred's buoyant attitude made him look even more bumbling than ever. Fred glanced out the window, and shouted, "Take a look through this telescope! Look over there on Second Street. On the light pole. It's a flamingo."
"Seriously Fred? I don't have time for this. I'm incredible busy. I've got a crowd of rioter's to control. Not flamingos."
"Awwww, come on Bond! Please?"
The Inspector grudgingly took the telescope with his left hand and removed his sunglasses with his right. A light bulb flashed. Three men appeared in the doorway. Fred's camera spit out a picture. He held it up in front of the Inspector. A black circle was revealed under the Inspector's eyes and a deep red welt shaped like a star across the back of his hand. "Well, Noodle Man. I think your Noodle is cooked."
Houston Daily News
March 9, 1992
Extra! Ramen Man Caught At Last! Read Everything About Our Hero Fred Dunderson and the Arch-Villian Of all Houston History!
An exclusive interview with Inspector Bond revealed the motives behind his bizarre outbreak. He confessed that he had held another name before, he confessed that for years he had been locked behind the bars of an insane asylum. Ever since his escape, he had taken the name Bobby Bond. The judge sentenced him to fifteen years behind bars for his heinous crimes throughout the then unsuspecting town of Houston. Houston is finally settling back down to normal. Noodles, however, are still frowned upon by every citizen within twenty miles of Houston.
After questioning Fred, it turns out he first guessed that it was the Inspector when the Inspector tried to shrug his off the case, and the fact that both the suspect that he had tacked and Inspector Bobby Bond both had a similar limp.
After questioning Fred, it turns out he first guessed that it was the Inspector when the Inspector tried to shrug his off the case, and the fact that both the suspect that he had tacked and Inspector Bobby Bond both had a similar limp.
So ends our recount of the Attack of the Noodles. Our records indicate that much of what we didn't make up is entirely true. But, despite a few discrepancies we would like to assume that all facts are true unless proven otherwise by a higher authority that than the writers imagination.
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